Slowesville


The Last Small Town

Advice for Northerners moving Down South

The following was mailed to me and I am perfectly willing to give credit to whoever wrote it. This is especially for my northern kin and all the dear PA folk at EMU. Happy Holidays yall!

If you are from the northern states and planning

 on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few

 things you should know that will help you adapt to

 the difference in lifestyles:



 The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,

 The South has t'mater samiches.



 The North has coffee houses,

 The South has Waffle Houses.



 The North has dating services,

 The South has family reunions.



 The North has switchblade knives,

 The South has Lee Press-on Nails.



 The North has double last names,

 The South has double first names.



 The North has an ambulance,

 The South has an amalance.



 The North Has the Mafia,

 The South has the Klan.



 The North has Indy car races,

 The South has stock car races.



 The North has Cream of Wheat,

 The South has grits.



 The North has green salads,

 The South has collard greens.



 The North has lobsters,

 The South has crawdads.



 The North has the rust belt,

 The South has the Bible Belt.



 If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.

 Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck

 with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't

 try to help them, just stay out of their way.

 This is what they live for.



 Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait

 in the same store. Don't buy food at this store.



 Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural,

 and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.



 Get used to hearing "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"



 You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog

 or child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!"

 and is the equivalent of saying "No!"



 Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They

 can't understand you either



 The first Southern expression to creep into a

 transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the

 adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most

 Northerners begin their Southern-influenced

 dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.



 The proper pronunciation you learned in school

 is no longer proper.



 Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.



 If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay

 out of the way. These are likely

 to be the last words he'll ever say.



 If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of

 even the smallest accumulation of snow, your

 presence is required at the local grocery store. It

 doesn't matter whether you need anything or not.

 You just have to go there.

(Having worked in retail, the editor vouches for the absolute truth of the above statement)



 When you come up on a person driving 15 mph

 down the middle of the road, remember that most

 folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper

 speed and position for that vehicle.



 Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own

 their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas

 taught them how to aim.



 In the South, we have found that the best way to

 grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it

 and call it a driveway.



 AND REMEMBER -



 If you do settle in the South and bear children,

 don't think we will accept them as Southerners.

 After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we

 wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

(The editor reserves the right to add the last word since her father is a yankee who settled and married in the south. We are southerners because we chose to be. Southern is a statement of pride, and can be adopted.)

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